New Years Resolutions... like a good procrastinator... I'm late.

Life is funny sometimes.  It doesn't always go the way you planned, and you don't always plan the things that happen to you.  My mother always told me that we are all running a race, but if you look to see where other people are in their race then you go off track of yours.  Any good runner knows that you stay focused on the goal line... not the people beside you.

My motto in life has been, "That's not fair!"  Because I have justice issues... I just intrinsically know what's right and wrong, and if someone has done me or someone I know "wrong"... it's on.  I know... little harsh, right?

So here's a "not fair" Rachel Fesko story... are you ready?  When I was 22 I decided to go back to college... in California.  I left January of 2005, and LOVED it... Cali in January?  And I could wear flip-flops?  I was in L O V E.  At the end of the semester amidst all the packing and finals, I felt that something was wrong with my body... I couldn't concentrate, my hair was falling out (I wasn't pulling it out... it was f a l l i n g out!), I couldn't sleep, and in the middle of it all... I came down with a sinus infection.  Not good for a college student.  So what does every good college student do when things fall apart?  Call home.

God bless my dad... After getting off the phone with me he made a doctor's appointment.  Which I kicked and screamed all the way to... I didn't need to go to no stinkin' doctor!  I've got a good immune system!  I'll kick this!  I just need to rest.  Through a series of events, which I won't bore you with, that doctor's appointment led to me being diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer.

Because I was done this great wrong, there had to be someone to blame... because this just wasn't fair.  I mean, why me?  What did I do wrong?

What I didn't realize until this year was that I have still been carrying around that i n j u s t i c e, and I've been trying to play it off like everything was fine... when it really wasn't.  All I could see was the bad... instead of the good.

Good Stuff:
* I have a clean bill of health, and have had one for 4 years
* I had the best surgeon and staff helping me through the process, who I can still call at anytime
* I returned to school that next semester (4 weeks after surgery) and made the Dean's List
* I realized who my closest friends were... and ended up marrying one of them
* I'm alive

I can't keep looking at all the injustice in my life and be happy.  I can't keep demanding my way, and be happy...  I can't keep on fighting when I've already won, and be happy.  My New Year's Resolution is plain and simple...

*Be the most true expression of who I've been created to be*

And that person is happy... full of life... sanguine... hopeful... creative... spontaneous... and loves life.  Here's to a year full of life... and life worth living.

The day Ryan proposed

Our First Child...

So I would like everyone to meet our first child... Ngenzi.  Please forgive the smatters of nonsense through this blog, but I'm writing through tears...

Do you ever have those moments... the moments when you realize that you may have it bad, but not as bad as you thought?  That was me over the weekend.  Doug West, a Compassion International Child Advocate, came to our church on Sunday and spoke about his own experiences with sponsoring a child in Africa.  It wasn't until this moment that forgotten memories came to the surface.

When I was growing up my parents sponsored a little boy from Rwanda.  I don't remember his name, but I remember writing him and sending him a soccer ball every year for his birthday.  Whenever we wanted to send Compassion money to buy him something (because that's how it works :), my Mom & Dad made us take money out of our allowance/savings like we would for any other family member or friend.  This boy wasn't just someone that my Mom & Dad sponsored, he was apart of our family.

I've changed my language about this boy... Ngenzi isn't a child I'm sponsoring... he's a child I've adopted.  In my heart, he's my kid... I want to take care of him and make sure he has a better life.  The high school kids I used to work with will tell you this... they were my kids.  I took care of them, and I promise to take care of this little boy.  If I don't, who will?

We have so much compared to other nations, and we have the opportunity to help in a real and tangible way.  Compassion is an organization focused on relieving poverty one child at a time, and they have a real and true cause with real and true results.  We hear so many times about the charity work that celebrities do...  You may not receive world wide accolades, or notoriety; but you will change the life of a little boy or girl in a way that will be unforgettable to them.  If you have $40/mo, or even if you don't... investing in a child is so much better than going out to eat on a Friday night.

Men at Chess

Yesterday I was sitting at Starbucks in Raleigh waiting for Lisa and Kirk to arrive for their engagement session... and stumbled upon this...

 

My immediate thought was "This is adorable."  And of course my second thought was... "Where is my camera?"  So, I ran outside to the car, grabbed my camera and came back in and snuck a few shots.

But here's what hit me today... Because of the things that have happened in my life I count the word "friend" something priceless and treasured.  The people that I call "friend" I know that I can trust with my raw emotions, and can help me weed them down to something more manageable.  These are the people that I can share my hopes & dreams with, and they won't tell me to get my head out of the clouds.  These are the people that I will cherish for life.  That I will play chess with when I'm 80 (if I ever remember how to play).

To all of my friends... I love you.  Thank you for being trustworthy and a confidant.  I will hold you dear in my heart and in my life until kingdom come.

Reaction vs. Response

~ Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain

in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

~Winston Churchill~

I have recently encountered the positive through the negative.  How is this possible?  Through constructive criticism, my friends, criticism.

When I was working full-time (or even part-time) I was constantly seeking out my supervisors for their insights on my performance, and what I could improve upon.  I sought out their criticism because I wanted to be a better employee, and you don't know what to fix unless someone tells you... normally.

When you're running your own business you don't have a boss to report to.  You report to yourself, which is sometimes worse, and hope that in watching others or asking how others do their business you can better your own.

Recently, I was sought after and sat down.  What ensued was not a "bash Rachel session" but instead an opportunity for me to see how I conduct my business through someone else's eyes.  The things they brought to my attention were valid, and I am the LAST person to denounce anyone's insight.  Now, if they had sat me down and yelled at me for an hour, this would be a different story.  But I walked away feeling like they actually cared about me, and my business (a great lesson for me in how to approach people).

But here is where most people stop and get offended or brush it off... this is reacting.  I had two choices with the insight and criticism they gave me - I could get hurt and react, or I could take it in and respond.  Reacting takes no thought whatsoever, and it's what you're first inclined to do - get angry, defend, depressed, shut down, etc.  But responding takes a depth of character to look at your circumstances from someone else's perspective, apologize and then change the things that need to change.  You may be hurt in the moment, but if someone brings opportunities for growth to your attention, why not take it in and evaluate the validity of their words and the motive of their heart?

Criticism is hard.  Period.  None of us like to be picked apart, especially if you're like me and you do it to yourself all the time anyway.  But here is my challenge... ask one of your trusted friends, colleagues or even your supervisor for criticism on your character, performance or otherwise and see how you respond.  You may get some of the best insight as to what you can do to improve, and if you respond well it may make all the difference in that relationship.  Criticism is the mirror you sometimes never have the opportunity to look into.

Rest. Recoop. Refill.

This past week has been amazing. My wonderful husband literally pushed me out of the house, and made me spend time out and away from the busy-ness of our lives. So I drove up to Virginia, and spent some time at our old stomping grounds... Crosspointe (the former Life East campus).

For the first time in a long time I actually found myself thinking clearly and enjoying life again. I met with my friend Cheyenne last week, and we both couldn't get over how "down" we had been feeling lately (my personal feeling is that as wedding photographers you get this rush of adrenaline to help you "push" through the season, and then have this big let down after things have slowed down... kinda've like a bride after the wedding is over. :)

So I went to all my old haunts... Bisset Park (Radford), The Cascades, walking to the 2nd stop sign... Life finally came into focus, and the realizations followed... The past really isn't overpowering, and can't control my future if I don't let it. Who I am fits, and I don't have to make myself try to be anyone other than me... and that's a sigh of relief. People are going to hurt me - that's just life, and the more I run from it the more people I hurt... I think that realization is the most true, and the most painful. It's the walking through life knowing people are going to scuff you up and leave you with bruises, cuts and scrapes that scares me to death; but that doesn't mean that I have to stop being me.

Enjoy the following - it's the awful scenery that surrounded me in VA for almost a whole week! Can you imagine living around this stuff all the time??? Sheesh!

Rantings on the Seatle Native

Now... I do NOT usually go and talk about reality tv, but this series had me hooked from the Bachelorette. He was billed as this great guy, and then the spoilers started leaking out. http://www.realitysteve.com/ told me all the facts I needed to know... and at first I couldn't believe it... until I fast forwarded through my DVR and discovered that he was right all along. Jason dumps Melissa on national television... I think I can plainly say... what the heck? Couldn't this have been done over the phone? As Melissa said, B@$*@&

"How could you go from being engaged to someone, to kissing someone else on the couch?!"

I think Trista put that just about right in her statement to US Weekly... because it's exactly how I feel.

There's this whole theory that Jason and the producer got together to do this for ratings, and when I put the pieces together myself it only made sense. All I have to say is that I'm done with this show. And here's why...

I know TV isn't supposed to be real life, but this was. And out there is this great girl that got cheated out of love... love that she thought she had found, and love that her lover wasn't willing to fight for. This is the exact opposite of what I hold dear and cherish... love and hope.

It's the hope that one day you will find the person you are meant to be with that keeps you going on all those first dates, kissing all the frogs and love that says "yes" when he finally pulls that fist sized diamond out of his pocket and proposes (mine was not that big :). But why does love have to hurt? Why does our hope have to keep being deferred? And why... do we become so heart sick that we can only sit in front of the tv and watch re-runs of Friends and CSI?

Because we know how it's supposed to be. We know that the guy is supposed to find us, laugh with us, cry with us and be that stable rock (not diamond... stop it!) that we can count on when our life falls apart. That's what Melissa should have had... that's what we all should have... that's what I've found. Who I found. And that's what all of you should keep holding out hope for... your mate is out there... just don't give up on love and keep hanging your hat on the door of hope.

Don't Forget to LIVE!!!

So this is my life right now... I've gone from wanting to find things to do, to having to schedule time to sleep. If my body didn't require sleep I would stay up all night doing stuff that needs to be done.

But in the middle of going through the motions... I forgot to actually enjoy life. Isn't it amazing that in the middle of existing we forget to actually live our lives and enjoy the journey. I can't put "living" on my list of things to do... it has to be something that I do each and every day... Especially now since I'm actually living my dream and doing something I love...

I have to keep telling myself "Slow down Rach... enjoy the sunshine and breathe in the rain (or at least the smell of the rain)." So here's to slowing down, enjoying the rain and sipping a quiet cup of coffee... enter contented sigh here.

13 Year Old Hero

Hello friends!

So... I finally braved the mountain this year and took 11 teenagers up to Ski Beech, NC. Talk about crazy times... no, not really... we have a good (no, great) bunch of kids we work with. My hero of the day was Amy (pictured below):

Let me give you some back story... Amy went on the ski trip with us last year. She spent most of the day in Ski Patrol lying on a cot. Amy even took a lesson, but because the conditions were less than favorable she slipped on an icy patch (and lets face it - it was mostly icy patches last year), dislocated her knee and spent the next few weeks being doted on by her friends and mother.

But this year... this year makes me want to cry (which I started doing just now)... We told the kids that we were going to offer "snow tubing" as an option to skiing and snowboarding this year. Because of Amy's fear of getting back up on the mountain, and how severe her injury was, most of the kids decided to go tubing. Last week we called to confirm with Ski Beech and they didn't write themselves any notes to remind them to give us the "group rate" on everything - even though we had half our kids tubing. So my husband and I spent the next two days figuring out how we were going to work this trip... and get the parents on board to help their kids switch from tubing to skiing/snowboarding and not only work through their fear, but their kids fear as well (talk about stress!!!). So we got (mostly) everyone on board and headed out to Ski Beech yesterday. I spent half of the day on the bunny slopes teaching the transfers how to snowboard, and the other half taking Amy down the mountain... yes, Amy.

She went from being the most fearful to the most energetic! And even when her BFF headed in the lodge out of frustration - Amy stayed with it... And not only stayed with it, but laughed everytime she fell down. What an example she was to me! I'm so quick to give into discouragement and failure, but I need to learn how to laugh at my mistakes get up and try again. Not just try - succeed. I told my friend Dawn today that I've always learned by making mistakes - like a child learning to walk. You only learn how to walk by falling, but it's in the falling and picking yourself back up again where real character is formed (at least in adults!). So here's to my new hero - Amy - Thank you for teaching me to laugh at my mistakes, enjoy the fall and learn by trying. You are amazing and I feel so priviledged to have you as one of my "kids."

Start of a Journey

I was at a bridal expo over the weekend and walked away with the sense of, "Oh my god... I could actually do this." It was such a great feeling to have a sense of accomplishment and people genuinely interested in my work... I gave out at least 100 business cards and all my price lists, but then the phone never rang and my hope turned to "oh well." And then Tuesday came around, I walked in the door and my wonderful hubby surprised me with a brand new blackberry... or pinkberry as I would like to call it. He said that it was his "investment" into RF Enterprises and it would make it easier for this new venture I've set out on... Can we say "heart" lift?

And wouldn't you know... I got an email... and now I have a meeting... and that could turn into who knows what! But it's a start, and now that I'm actually serious about getting off my duff and doing what I've always dreamed of... I'm going to stop being afraid of what could be and start living the life that perhaps I was always meant to live... I took my hands off the pause button, and now it's time to start inhabiting this world I've called home.